i want this blog to be open but considering my past experiences with open blogs i sincerely believe that eventually i will be stalked down and fingerwagged and laughed at or i will fuck up by posting something so terribly mean that everyone within reading distance will instantly hate my hating ass and boycott me. as if i'm that important (only in my own head some of the time). but should it come to pass and you come here to find that everything is either gone like a fart in the wind or locked up tighter than maid marian's chastity belt, don't say i didn't warn ya.
everyone likes to talk about themselves, especially in introductory posts, except me. so i figure i should break my habit of not saying a damn word about myself and only cracking jokes that will ultimately lure you in only to have me snap my blogging book closed on your nose and actually tell you things that are personal in nature. i really figure i should do that this time, but i'm not gonna.
don't get mad.
here, i'll tell you some vague stuff that can in no way aid you in hunting me down, removing my fingernails, or giving me an ultimate make-over.
a) i hate my job.
b) the job hates me back.
c) my boss thinks that my job is racially inspired to hate me and therefore is constantly handing me cards for equal opportunity employers.
d) my coworkers think that my job is more of a bigot than a racist and feel that their jobs would be equally bigotted if they were of the asian persuasion.
e) asian persuasion is an awesome phrase.
f) i believe that books are empty until you open them and then they spew across their pages whatever nonsense comes to mind when they look at you and you can judge your own beauty by how good or bad the book is from there on out.
g) i don't like to pee in public places.
h) you can't go ass to mouth. never, never, never go ass to mouth.
i) i tried to put a sticker of mickey mouse on my eyeball once. all it did was pull my contact out. i was really disappointed because i had set it up for my chair to break apart and my computer to make "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!" noises when i finally ripped it off, flopped about and screamed "oh god my eye my fucking eye goddamn you walt disney!"
j) i would have been filthy bloody rich if that had panned out. damn.
k) college is for suckers. luckily, i'm a sucker.
i wanted to make it through the whole alphabet but i'm just not that clever. also, i have to pee and entertaining you does not in anyway forego the emptying of my bowels, thankyouverymuch. or maybe it does because i'm still sitting here trying to think up something for L.
perhaps i'll come back to it.
